ARIES: Beauty is only skin deep. But that knife wound you’ll get this week goes to the bone.

TAURUS: A rare gift awaits you this week. The gift of scabies.

GEMINI: Saturn is in retrograde in your star sign this week, which, of course, means it’s runny sore time for you.

CANCER: You will receive a message from your ancestors this week, which you probably won’t read, as it has postage due.

LEO: A voyage of discovery awaits you this week, as you are shanghaied by a rowdy gang of Asian pirates/marine biologists.

VIRGO: Life imitates art for you this week.  Oddly it’s imitating Art Carney from the Star Wars Christmas special, and soon your best friend will be a Wookie.

LIBRA: Set your goals high this week, as you might as well fail big.

SCORPIO: Do not wager your soul for a golden fiddle, as you are not as good a fiddler as Johnny, and the devil has been a-practicing.

SAGITTARIUS: You know who’s ever seen a centaur? No one, that’s who.

CAPRICORN: You gain fame this week when a famous delicatessen names a sandwich after you.  You gain even more fame when every person who eats that sandwich gets swarms of intestinal parasites.

AQUARIUS: You will prove to be the glue that holds your social circle together when your friends murder you and grind your bones into paste on Tuesday.

PISCES:  It’s 2009. No one cares about your Rubik’s Cube skills anymore.