ARIES: You will experience a once in a lifetime event this week. Of course, death only does happen once, right?

TAURUS: Despite your greatest efforts, they are not going to make a Rock Band game based on your crappy jam band.

GEMINI: Love will play a part in your week, as people do in fact love beating you with sticks.

CANCER: The future is yours to command. As long as you command it to be extremely woeful.

LEO: A penny saved is a penny earned, but, really, so what. It’s a penny.

VIRGO: Knowledge awaits you! As does gibbering madness when you accidentally read that copy of the Necronomicon lying around.

LIBRA: You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Also rabid bugbears.

SCORPIO: Fill your days with laughter and song, for your nights will be filled with horrifying loneliness punctuated by bouts of knifings.

SAGITTARIUS: Don’t get us wrong. We enjoy a good mythological story as much as anyone. But, come on, a Centaur? That’s just ridiculous.

CAPRICORN: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you are, in fact, a judge. In which case, carry on.

AQUARIUS: Turns out those are not 99 luft balloons.  They are enormous hornets. So, you’ve got that to deal with.

PISCES:  The good news: Your life story is being made into a film this week!  The bad news? Nicolas Cage is attached.