A number of esteemed colleagues of mine (“esteemed” being a euphemism for “cocksucking”) continually bring up my supposed striking resemblance to Dwight from the far superior American version of The Office. Whether saying it out of jest since dude is a toolbag or out of jealousy because none of their nerd asses look like anybody famous, I do find a counterargument is worthy of publication.

It all began when the aforementioned “Meagan”, a half-Asian, half-cute girl at a party walked up to me and spouted the heresy. I tried to whisk her away by ordering General Tso’s chicken with white rice (god forbid I get that brown bullshit with the carrots and onions), but apparently the thought of a better life with a pure bred American drowned out her better judgment. Eventually she back flipped away from us to go tend to her laundromat down the street, but the social stigma has since stuck.

I understand some of the resemblance. For example, both Dwight and I have an inclination towards MILFs (whether or not that blonde bitch has kids, I don’t know, but as long as they look like a mom and fuck like their water bill depends on it, I’m down). I at one point also worked at a phone sales job. And sometimes, I have been known to do assholic things (yes, that is my word) just to satisfy my own satanistic cravings.

But that is it. I guarantee if I was selling paper in that bitch, I would bang that secretary right on that desk in front of all those dumbasses, especially that wuss that tried to propose to her in front of some weak ass ferris wheel. Then I’d pimp slap Steve Carell for doing Evan Almighty and fingerbang that new chick for good measure. Grant Coleman.

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