ARIES: Beauty is only skin deep. But that knife wound you’ll get this week goes to the bone.

TAURUS: A rare gift awaits you this week. The gift of scabies.

GEMINI: Saturn is in retrograde in your star sign this week, which, of course, means it’s runny sore time for you.

CANCER: You will receive a message from your ancestors this week, which you probably won’t read, as it has postage due.

LEO: A voyage of discovery awaits you this week, as you are shanghaied by a rowdy gang of Asian pirates/marine biologists.

VIRGO: Life imitates art for you this week.  Oddly it’s imitating Art Carney from the Star Wars Christmas special, and soon your best friend will be a Wookie.

LIBRA: Set your goals high this week, as you might as well fail big.

SCORPIO: Do not wager your soul for a golden fiddle, as you are not as good a fiddler as Johnny, and the devil has been a-practicing.

SAGITTARIUS: You know who’s ever seen a centaur? No one, that’s who.

CAPRICORN: You gain fame this week when a famous delicatessen names a sandwich after you.  You gain even more fame when every person who eats that sandwich gets swarms of intestinal parasites.

AQUARIUS: You will prove to be the glue that holds your social circle together when your friends murder you and grind your bones into paste on Tuesday.

PISCES:  It’s 2009. No one cares about your Rubik’s Cube skills anymore.

ARIES: You will experience a once in a lifetime event this week. Of course, death only does happen once, right?

TAURUS: Despite your greatest efforts, they are not going to make a Rock Band game based on your crappy jam band.

GEMINI: Love will play a part in your week, as people do in fact love beating you with sticks.

CANCER: The future is yours to command. As long as you command it to be extremely woeful.

LEO: A penny saved is a penny earned, but, really, so what. It’s a penny.

VIRGO: Knowledge awaits you! As does gibbering madness when you accidentally read that copy of the Necronomicon lying around.

LIBRA: You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Also rabid bugbears.

SCORPIO: Fill your days with laughter and song, for your nights will be filled with horrifying loneliness punctuated by bouts of knifings.

SAGITTARIUS: Don’t get us wrong. We enjoy a good mythological story as much as anyone. But, come on, a Centaur? That’s just ridiculous.

CAPRICORN: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you are, in fact, a judge. In which case, carry on.

AQUARIUS: Turns out those are not 99 luft balloons.  They are enormous hornets. So, you’ve got that to deal with.

PISCES:  The good news: Your life story is being made into a film this week!  The bad news? Nicolas Cage is attached.